an awesome person's guide to being divorced
by beauxfleur
Summary: Nobody tells you what to do when you're divorced. Barney and Robin stumble through their post divorce friendship.
1. Where the good things begin

A/N- This is going to be a multi chapter rollercoaster as a result of my binge watching HIMYM, and watching the GORGEOUS relationship that is Barney and Robin go to waste, so don't forget to review, fav and follow, and most of all enjoy.

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Sitting at a gold silk cloth covered table, rimmed with lace,Robin watches fondly, as Ted tenderly kisses his new wife on the marble dance floor. The couple sway gently, staring at each other in their own little bubble, as if no one else existed. She swipes her bangs out of her face and shifts her gaze back to the table, blowing a puff of frustrated air. Marshall and Lily are in another bubble. Lily giggles as Marshall says something, resting her head against the crook of his shoulder.

"This is sorta, sickening." Robin announces dramatically, pausing to make sure she popped Lily's love bubble. Okay, that sounded incredibly wrong.

Lily gives her an all knowing look. She knew that maybe Robin Five Years Ago would have said and she wouldn't have thought twice. But Present Robin is more than happy to do the same as these lovebirds. She wishes to, atleast.

"Hey, Robin, how's the job treatin ya?" Marshall chirps , breaking her out of her moody longings. She plasters on a somewhat convincable, if not fake smile.

Maybe it would transform into a real one if she tried hard enough.

"Oh great!" She croons, "It's been Beijing, Mumbai, Saudi, the works! I mean, it doesn't -" leave me with much of a personal life and time to love anything or anyone, but um, yeah, she thinks. -" yeah, it, its been amazing." She finishes, in a more depressed note than she had hoped. Sipping her third glass of champagne, now Robin tries really hard not to dwell on her failed attempt at love, she truly does, but

once more, after a million times, again, the thought penetrates through. That painful ache, that made her chest sink in and feel hollow, and her lower lip tremble feverishly. Blue eyes sparkle in the back of her mind, and for a moment she almost feels them behind her. She coughs, her throat closing up with something akin to sadness, but not quite. Longing, regret maybe?

"-yeah, and now Marvin's getting along so marvellously with the rest of the kids at preschool, i don't need to worry anymore!" She returns to the present once again to Lily's rambling. Robin's glad the two seem to be wound up in their own lives. She appreciates the distraction. She fails to notice the stolen looks of worry between the couple. If they notice her morosity, they pretend not to. They know better.

Lily smiles warmly, wriggling in her seat, all ready to launch into another one of Marvin's cute little stories, when her face goes slack, and she sputters as her eyes stay trained above Robin's head.

The cologne hits her before anything like a sucker punch. She spots his favorite gold lamé cummerband next. Sucking in a breath, Robin prays feverishly that she isn't about to have an awkward run in with her ex-husband for the first time since their official divorce at her ex-boyfriend's wedding.

"Barney!" Marshall yells,slapping his outstretched palm in a welcoming high five. His mouth turns upward, in that cute boyish way she remembers, and he hugs the two as they stand up. His eyes flit to the her side of the table and she freezes, bracing herself for, what? A look of pure hatred, or maybe a look of pure love, she doesn't know. He finally steadies his eyes on her, and says,"Hey Robin, good to see you." He has a honest to god smile, and she smiles back, tremendously relieved.

"It has been way too long. Oh my god, we need to all go to McLarens after this and get stinkin' drunk and-" Lily trails off as her eyes set on Robin."-and um, oh wait, we have that thing, right baby? That-" she says, looking to Marshall for help.

"Mclaren's sounds good." Robin cut in. She sure as hell could manage being in the same room as him for a few hours to keep her friends happy. It couldn't be that hard.

So they talk. Barney orders everyone a round of Glen Mckenna's, and Marshall is stinking drunk by the end of it, and Lily's giggling her ass off again.

The exes finally join eyes again. By this time, they're knee deep in stories about babies and sleep schedules so he does what they've done on multiple occasions to avoid stories, he runs. She does what she's done on multiple occasions, she follows him.

Five minutes later, they're both breathless and in the back garden of the inn.

Barney barks out a laugh. "Just like old times huh?"

She blows a breath, palms on her knees and hunched over. Looking over to him, she spots the twinkle in his eyes and the crease near his mouth and its so easy to pretend things hadn't changed. That they weren't ex husband and ex wife. She does exactly that.

"Remember the time we ran out during our reception, and we almost got hit by that school bus?" Robin muses, as Barney makes a move to sit on the grass, crossing his legs. They speedily dance through how do you do's and soon they're down memory lane and for a change, it isn't bitter. Its surprising, really, how smoothly conversations go over with them, how easily they can mention memories of their marriage, their wedding, and awkward didn't even make a cameo.

"Ah, legendary times!" Barney quips, when she brings up boogie boarding, and she remembers when he almost kissed her, claimed things that she supposed weren't true anymore, because he HAD let several days go by without talking to her and those days went by pretty swell.

But, like all the thoughts she's ever had, get pressed down to the deep dark place where everything she ever feared lay.

"Awesome to Sherbatsky." Barney calls, waving his hand in front her face. He frowns at her, trying to figure out her state of mind, probably. "Where's your mind?"

"I just-" she starts. She fiddles with the hem of her dress, now hiked up to near her thighs and the rim of her stocking shows. "- why is this so easy?"

The one thing about Barney and Robin. They don't believe in the whole, 'we complete each other's sentences' theory, but as if by some weird twist of fate, they can very well complete their thoughts, their words, everything. And if she'd been trying to right now, she was, she'd know that his look said, 'because we never stopped loving each other'.

She still waits for an answer. A retort of sorts.

"I don't know. I mean, i guess, we've always beaten the odds. We're like, the awesomest exes ever!" Barney pipes,extending his arm out for a high five.

She reluctantly returns it, thoughts swirling again. What was with her? She never overthought things ever.

"Should we talk?" She feels herself saying, before she can stop the word vomit.

"Um, about?" Barney asks, raising a single eyebrow in that certain way that only he could.

Robin rushes through a million different scenarios in her head. She could tell him things that she didn't really think she meant. She could tell him they could never talk again.

"About being friends again." She decides, grinning. Her eyes sparkle under her thick lashes, with something akin to affection. Her smile slowly fades, waiting for an answer.

A slow grin takes over Barney's features. "Awesome. Friendship five!" He announces gleefully. Her smile comes, and for the first time tonight, she's not faking it anymore.


	2. Rule No 1

A/N: This is sort of an AU, so of course, it's before Barney gets someone pregnant, and before Ellie ever comes into existence. I don't plan on adding her to the story but send me some thoughts on it! Please don't forget to review, fav and follow!

Rule no. 1

"Alright, rule numero uno to staying friends with an ex-" Barney starts, as the pair stroll back to the party, Robin's pumps swinging by the straps in her hand. The heel gets caught in the momentum in Barney's pocket, tugging his slacks down a bit. She notices he's lost a bit of weight, because all his suits had been specifically tailored to him. She wonders if he ever starved himself out of longing, or pain, and dismisses it. Robin would probably die before admitting it, but the man was indeed, the most awesome person ever.

Barney turns, grin smug and wide, clicking his tongue."Already trying to get back into my pants, Scherbatsky?" he playfully jeers, wiggling his brows.

"You wish." She retorts, rolling her eyes, but fighting a smile for the fifth time tonight. She doesn't want to think of the effect her ex husband still has on her. It's unsettling really. That's all.

Barney clears his throat uncomfortably, and stretches the tie around his collar, loosening it a bit. Maybe he does, she hopes, a tiny part of her deep down, hopes he still does want to get into her pants. She gets another whiff of his cologne and all the while wondering if he's atleast feeling a little awkward.

"You look really nice tonight." He says, and he sounds sincere, and for some reason, it makes her heart flutter.

"Don't i always?" She snorts instead. Never let your weakness show, Scherbatsky. He hahs, but doesn't rally back.

"Wanna pretend like we're angry divorced people who want to get laid to make their ex jealous?" Barney perks up, adjusting his cuffs.

She guffaws.

"Too soon?" He asks, chuckling. She shrugs loosely.

"I don't know. I mean, i don't know how this works. Post divorce friendship. It's weird, but weird good, you know? I guess, at some point- we could beat the system-"

Robin is highly aware she's rambling, and it feels alot like word vomit is going to be a thing around him now, and she wants him to do something to shut her up.

If they were still married, he'd kiss her, she thinks. Its only a fleeting thought.

But he shoves his hands in his pockets, kicks the dirt in the ground and listens, a small smirk on his face, and it doesn't feel like they're friends for a second. Friend Barney would never listen. The constant reminder that things aren't the same keep ringing like an alarm. But you can turn alarms off. She snoozes her doubts.

They're almost at the entrance again, when Robin's phone buzzes from a random place. She flits her eyes back and forth before she reaches into the dip of her dress and pulls it out. She hears Barney's vague strangled choke and a leering "Scherbatsky" which she chooses to ignore as she hits accept.

"This is Robin Scherbatsky, WWN lead news anchor, how can i help you?"

It's only a lower news channel trying to pass off some of their interns onto the show, and Robin has to switch on her charm and by the end of the call, she's gotten them to take three of her worst interns, and taken one of their best. She gets off the phone only once they're back at the table, and Barney's looking at her with some sort of admiration.

"Impressive, dude. I didn't know you were such a wolf." He says, flicking a table napkin at her.

Its not even that big a deal really, she wants to say. The channel wasn't huge and the managers were gullible. But she likes the praise. Hasn't gotten the praise, in a really really long time.

After all these emotions though, she's more than a little hungry, and more than happy to find a plate of gouda and fruits. Did Marshall plan the menu?

Ted's at the table now, jostling around the flower arrangement, kissing his newly wed wife, and having the best day of his life. It suddenly strikes her she's made this day about her, and it's not.

"Teddy boy! It's your wedding day! Your story's finally complete." She ribs, raising her flute of champagne toward him. Tracy laughs. "Oh i don't think so." She scoffs "This one's got alot of stories up his sleeve." She pokes him with a perfectly manicured finger and he laughs and kisses her again, splaying his fingers across her cheek. Robin looks at Barney in the moment and her chest feels a little hollow again. She ignores it again.

Dances happen, music plays, cakes are smashed and eaten, and its almost two am. Lily and Marshall have already left to relieve the babysitter, and Ted and Tracy manage to sneak off to the nearest broom closet, with Barney singing 'bangity bang' as the two speed up. He laughs, flapping his tie and scraping the chair closer to the table. The buzz of music and thrumming happiness fades, and all that's left are the two of them. She's starting to get sober again, and the waiters seem to be sparse and nowhere near her table.

"McLarens?" She says

"So-i should um-" he says, over her. He panics, waving his hands.

"No, no, no, i just, thought it'd be awkward to -um, stay." He admits sheepishly, rubbing his hand behind his neck.

"No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no-" She pooh poohs, leaning back and trying to be casual.

"One more and i'll believe you." He says, lifting his scotch up to his lips.

"No." She says, warmly.

"Well, no means no, so that means you've officially got me for the night!" He exclaims, and his face falls as he realises the content of what he's said.

"You know that's not what I-"

"I know." She laughs, and he suggests it again with a 'but' and a shit eating grin and its returned with a swift kick to his shin under the table.

They can do normal. Or whatever this is. They've done it a thousand times.

She whips out her phone to send a text to Ted, telling them she'll see them tomorrow, and to 'tap that good' . She makes sure to read it aloud to Barney and he laughs and high fives her in approval.

He offers her a hand as they're getting up and she thinks its a welcome into this new friendship. Grabbing it, is a symbol. God, Ted is turning her into a sap, who believes in stupid fate and dumb miracles.

As the two walk down towards the main entrance again, he turns to face her again.

"Robin. This is awesome. Like, legendary, awesome, cool, incredible. That's we're friends again. And, i promise, i'm notice gonna mess it up again." Barney promises, in a very un Barney way. Over the years, she's seen sincere Barney make an appearance very rarely, and it stuns her every single time. Sometimes she forgets the man's not a robot.

"Way to lay on the cheese, dude." Robin says, throwing her hands up in defense.

Barney winces. "Ech, i'm catching the Ted bug. Come on, let's get outta here."

He pulls her by the arm and they both walk towards his limo.

"It's gonna be great, two bros, out on the town again, painting it a cooler colour than red, because red is so last year, and -"

God, he's annoying right now and she's trying. She's really trying.

"Oh, what the hell."

"What?" She kisses him.

Two hours later

"People backslide all the time." Barney comments, breathing heavily. The ceiling looks incredibly interesting right now. Did he always have those lamps? Maybe he should consider getting LED's. You know, to save the environment.

"Yeah." Robin breathes. He watches her brush the hair out of her face and twiddle her thumbs.

" I just didn't expect it to happen so soon." He chuckles, sliding under the covers toward her.

She whips her head around, confused.

"What?"

He contorts his face in a 'come on' way.

"Robin Robin Robin, one of the rules of being divorced in the modern day is that you always, always backslide." He says, moving his finger about like he's a professor.

She wants to argue, and she's always hated proving Barney right but he has an incredibly fair point right there.

"You're thinking about how i'm right, right?" He asks, grin firmly in place. She hits his face with a pillow.

He rubs his nose and pouts like a child as she climbs out from under the maroon silk. Her dress is crumpled under a chair in the room, and as she bends down to pick it up, she can feel a pair of eyes burn a hole through her ass. She looks up in a huff.

He looks thoroughly unashamed to be caught, and this feels all too familiar too soon. A wave of unwanted emotions wash over.

"So" she starts, "This is how it goes. We're friends from here on out, right?"

He's got a pair of boxers on now, and she's grateful because it's way less distracting.

"Right. Another rule of divorce, never backslide into another backslide." He points out, and damn it, has she known him for so long that his theories started making sense?

"Okay, so i'm gonna-"

Okay, here comes the awkward phase

"-but, see you at the bar tonight?" She doesn't want to notice how hopeful he sounds.

"Yeah." She nods. She's almost out the door when he speaks again.

"Hey Robin? Everyone's going to be really happy you're back."

Sincere Barney's back. She smiles, turned away from him. Her hand is on the handle.

"Also Robin?"

"Hm?"

"Relapse-five!"

She slams the door.


	3. Bros again?

The next night, Robin slides into the booth, knocking Ted's knees accidentally, and waves Wendy the waitress over.

"Hey, Robin!" Ted drawls way too happily. Suspiciously eyeing him, Robin chalks it up to post marriage bliss. Vivid memories of her own post marriage bliss flash, and she remembers spending most of them in bed. Eyes scanning the room, they land on Barney looking like a million bucks opposite her. He's been letting the scruff grow out a bit, she notices. Blushing, fingers go up to her chest, where a few tiny red indentations remain from his handiwork. His eye catches hers at the moment and she watches him swallow roughly, giving her a brief sense of satisfaction. The thick tension is, like always, immediately shattered.

"Hey Birdie!" Tracy says, mimicking her husband's tone, peering from the other side of Ted. Two peas in a pod, those two."Okay, first of all, that nickname is NOT going to be a thing." She vigorously states, waving her finger between them,"- and, second, what's with the crazy look?"

Both studiously ignore her.

"All right!" Ted exclaims, clapping his hands. "Now that the whole gang's here, we've got some things to discuss."

He reaches down and pulls out a colour coded binder, slapping it down on to the table. Barney and Robin groan simultaneously, and the two chant, "Oy Vey." in unison. The group share a look.

"Simultaneous emotion-five!" He yells, and the two slap their palms together and laugh. Ted rolls his eyes, Tracy laughs fondly, and Marshall and Lily seem to be giving them weird and hopeful? Looks. She feels like she's travelled back in time.

She's shaken out of her reverie by Ted.

"Honeymoon destinations. We can't decide, so we thought we'd take it to the group. Ten minutes each with the binder, and a two minute discussion period, and you each give one destination." Ted instructs, lacing his fingers between Tracy's, and watching them. Looks like there was a new Marshall and Lily in town.

"Hawaii." Marshall and Lily crow in unison, and Lily coos, nuzzling further into Marshall.

"Thailand." Barney chirps. "Wait, no, Thighland. Ted, Ted, look at me, look at me, Ted-"

"Barney, I'm married." Ted laughingly points out.

"Well, technically, in Thailand, it's legal to have several marital and or sexual partners. True story." Barney says, in his mock sincere voice, slurping his scotch loudly. The ice clinks.

"Not true story." Robin counters." Ted. Argentina. It's beautiful."

"Not a good place to start a marriage. End one? Sure." Barney mumbles into his drink, scoffing. Everyone turns, shocked faces aimed at him. She sits perfectly still, a chill running through her spine, and a stab of hurt courses through her.

Wendy comes over, to take Robin's order, and does a three sixty, judging the cold quiet as a sign of distress. Barney finally seems to notice everyone's looks and the eery quiet after a few minutes of watching his ice melt.

"What?" He asks, petulantly. "There's no rule that you can't say things about your failed marriage. Plus, Robin's cool with it." He says casually, waiting for her to agree. Her lips tremble slightly as she keeps them pursed.

"Well, if there was, it'd be your rule." Lily snorts, fighting for the bowl of pretzels with Marshall, and something equivalent to a lightbulb dings in Robin's head through her blind anger.

"Rule No. 2-" she says, trying not to seethe. "-Only two comments about our failed marriage allowed per person." She folds her arms and gives him a challenging look.

He knocks down the rest of his scotch. Laughs, and relief washes over her like a wave. The anger simmers a bit, but she studiously ignores him for the rest of the night. The coldness settles into bustling chatter soon, and Robin orders a Glen Mckenna and jalapeno poppers once Wendy's seen fit to come back to the table, willing herself to drink the anger away.

Marshall tells them about his new job, and Lily gushes about Marvin, and it's like listening to a broken record but she loves it. Robin's heavily missed this, the gang, getting together, like nothing ever changed.

"Oh hey, where were you guys last night? I thought you were coming to the bar?" Ted suddenly questions, shoving a popper from Robin's plate into his mouth, earning him a glare from Robin. Barney spits his scotch. Under the table, she pinches his thigh hard, partly because of his uneasy reaction earns him a confused look from everyone, and partly because of his sharp remark. More of the latter. "GAH, bad scotch. Watered down. WENDY!" He yelps.

A quick telepathic conversation helps her figure things out, but she's pretty sure she just told him she's going to kill him and he just invited her to play laser tag.

"We had to sort some things out- with the divorce papers." She hesitatingly squeaks, and Barney points to her with a nod, reaching for a tissue to wipe his mouth. Lily tenses up.

"Oh." Lily morosely groans. "Are you sure this is what you guys want?"

There's a hopeful look in her eyes, one that Robin hates seeing, mostly because it leads to no good. It leads to incessant meddling. Out of corner of her eye though, she gauge's Barney's reaction. His face comes as blank and unreadable and she heaves a sigh.

"Lil, not exactly table chit chat material, is it?" she questions pointedly, lifting her eyebrows high and shooting daggers through her eyes. Lily sits back, looking defeated, shoving a pretzel in her mouth. The group shudders.

"Oh, come on!" Lily groans, as Marshall pulls the bowl of pretzels away from her.

"Honey, you sound like you're chewing gravel. No. AH!-" he yells suddenly as his tiny wife punches his arm. Robin snorts. The rest of the night goes by in a blur. Eventually, Ted and Tracy pick Thailand, and Barney fist pumps several times during the night, but no one asks about last night again. Barney's visibly relaxed now. Watching him talk, interact, smile into his glass when Ted cracks an architectural limerick that most definitely isn't funny but Tracy's still giggling at it anyway, coo at Marvin's stroller, doing normal people things makes Robin's stomach flutter.

Around 2 am, she bids her goodbyes, avoids eye contact with Barney and

turns off the corner of the street to the park. The air is brisker now, and leaves are fallen in the sludgy snow. She pulls her scarf tighter and reaches into her coat pocket for a cigarette, sitting on a grey park bench. She's bitterly reminded of the time she sat, drinking spiked eggnog and mourning the loss of her imaginary kids. The lighter clicks. She's halfway through her first one when she hears a pair of footsteps squelch in the snow.

"Hey, can i bum one?" Barney asks, blue eyes sharp and bright. He adjusts his burberry coat, and she wants to say no. She wants to ask him what the hell happened in the bar. Opening her mouth, though, is all she can do. For a few seconds her jaw flaps up and down but finally, she clamps it shut. Her phone buzzes in her pocket.

"Sure." After a few seconds. She hands him a cigarette, which he accepts hesitantly, and plucks the lighter from her gloved hand. She blows smoke rings and knits her eyebrows together. Catches him staring at her. Silence has always been good with them. It's never awkward when they don't talk, because there's so much unspokeness can do more than any words can.

"I didn't know you started smoking again." Barney observes quietly, flicking the butt of the cigarette into the sludge. She listens to it fizzle out. Puts the cigarette to her lips again. He doesn't sound accusing per se, more like, a kid who's been chided.

"Yeah well, i figured, since we're divorced, i've got room for a new bad habit." She bitterly replies. Barney flinches back, if only for a second, and the imperceptible mask goes back up. His eyes are hard, but his voice mellow, as he shifts closer and mutters, "I'm sorry." A buzzing again. He doesn't sit.

Robin hums, discontented, still staring at the bark of a tree, and blowing smoke rings. He sighs again, runs his hands through his hair. It's shorter now, and less blonde. She doesn't want to admit she likes it this way. The poor bastard looks so kicked down, and that facial hair, it makes him look almost like, he isn't invincible anymore.

That theory gets proved further when she nearly tears up at his next words.

"I guess- i haven't been handling the divorce as well as i should." He sighs, mournfully and twists his mouth in a Barney way, kicking the dirt under the snow. It's incredible how everything he does, every movement, is so quintessential 'Barney'. She pats the concrete of the bench, staring at him with a sad smile.

Taking another long drag of her cigarette, Robin coughs, and stuffs it into the snow below. "I know it's hard. It's even harder because we're friends. But- if you go for the easy hard joke here we're not friends." She trails off, seeing him open his mouth. He raises his hands in defence, smiling a bit, and his teeth look whiter through the stubble.

"-but," she begins again, "-we're Barnman and Robin dude. We can work through all the crap that needs to be worked through." She tries for a smile, but it's watery. Before the courage that welled up, dies down again, she lifts her numb fingers and traces his jaw lightly. He shivers and she draws her hand back. Barney's body radiates warmth, and warmth would feel so undeniably good right now. Senses tingling, she shifts closer and nudges his shoulder with her own, and tells herself it's not just to make contact with him.

"I like the stubble." She murmurs. He smirks, and it doesn't reach all the way up to his eyes. Robin wonders then, how many of these silhouetted moments they'll keep having, longings in the dark, whispered words and mourning broken promises, because she and he just know, that they're toxic together. Always butting heads so hard the recoil damaged others.

"You know, seeing Serious Barney is always weird. You're like-" Robin gazes at him with awed amusement. "-a chameleon. Just one second and, you're there then you're here." She snaps her fingers.

Barney's eyebrows go up comically, and an adorably boyish smile graces his features. "Serious Barney? What, is that my superhero name?" He jokingly says, lightening the mood and flicking a bit of snow with the end of shoe onto her bare legs. God, she and her core body temperature could endure a blizzard in shorts.

"Whatever." She rolls her eyes. And just like that, all the emotions they've just experienced feel like an act, like they never happened, or they happened a lifetime ago. Robin finally pulls her phone out, sifting through the texts. All three are from Lily.

Where are you?

Hope you're okay.

Dinner tomorrow at our place, be there by 8, and bring wine!

She smiles, shoving the phone back in, and gets up. Barney follows her lead, brushing his coat off and pulling a stray autumn leaf from his hair.

"So. I gotta take off. But not in a 'this was really awkward and we can't be friends' way, but in a 'i really gotta go and get my chops busted by my boss'." He exasperatedly sighs.

"Working late?"

"Mm."

"Well, tomorrow, dinner at Lily and Marshall's, don't forget!" She yells, remembering last minute as they walk off in opposite directions. He points to her and taps his forehead, turning off towards the exit. She circles around the park for while, feeling relieved at having saved her friendship. Still in her own world, Robin knocks into a tall guy, in a navy overcoat.

"Sorry aboot that." The man apologizes, in a thick Canadian accent. His radiantly white teeth flash her. Robin goes wide eyed and giggles. The man's smile gets wider, and he stretches his palm out.

"Daniel. Daniel Jeffrey." There's something cheesy about the way he introduces himself like James Bond but he's Canadian and tall and pretty and she hasn't been attracted to anybody since her divorce and she's far too gone to care. Shaking hands with him, she takes in his sandy blonde hair, and only a teeny tiny part of her thinks he can't pull of the blonde like- don't go there, her more rational ego butts in.

"Can i buy you a donut?" Robin blurts out. She tries to reason that's it not because she wants to get over Barney, or maybe even make him jealous, although that would be an extreme plus point. He nods happily and presses his hand on the small of her back, gently nudging her to walk and it just doesn't feel the same. Ignoring the feeling, she walks down what could hopefully be a new fresh path, a path that would lead her away from that feeling inside that made her feel like drowning and flying all at once. No, she wouldn't miss that, would she? (She would)


	4. What aboot me?

A/N- Please review your thougts and enjoy the story!

Thinking back to what he bitterly said at the bar, Barney feels terrible because seeing Robin's face, thinking it'd be worth it to see some sort of emotion on her face, made the bile rise up to his throat. Oh, how his fingers had itched then, to hang on to her, and to brush across her sharp cheeks, brushing away the moisture. He shivers then, feeling wax poetic, and cursing a woman to be the cause. He'd banged her again, it's what he thought would help. To get Robin out of his system, for good.

Maybe it worked, he feverishly thinks to himself. Then Robin flashes her pearly whites and his stomach drops 10,000 feet. They're divorced now, and it's unawesome and feeling unawesome, he promised he'd always shake it off, and he couldn't now. Reason; they both played relationship chicken and it went too far, and pride butted in and he refused to bow out, tell her he was irrevocably in love with her and would probably be till he turned to ashes in a Gucci double breasted (mmmm) suit. But the problem still lies undealt with. In the dark of night, as his hands sweep across the marble, blindly reaching for the bottle of scotch, sometimes it niggles him, the thought, maybe Robin wasn't ever as invested in it as him. After all, she's a powerful, beautiful woman who wants to live and travel and he's, what, a suited dog who played house for three years and screwed it up.

Barney's never been one to be disillusioned by anything though.

When he was seven, his brother punched him in the arm and told him he couldn't shoot a good hoop. Little curly haired Barney, stayed up every night (he hated basketball, god) practicing. To prove someone wrong. At twenty-three, Ted said he couldn't nail every woman in the city and he'd done almost that. At 34, he heard from Patrice that Nora thought he wasn't capable of a real relationship. So he wooed her, swept her off of her feet.

Things were done, and points were proved, challenges accepted, for what? To run away from the first and only real thing in his life. Deep in thought, the clock turns to 3 am. Barney Stinson is too old to be kept awake by a woman when it doesn't involve sex.

Tossing on the slate grey sheets, he sleeps fitfully. Robin,Robin, Robin- The bottle lays untampered.

The next morning, sunlight and reality rear their ugly head. Barney decides it's not as much fun waking up with a headache and a dry mouth if you're not hungover. Avoiding the cupboard still storing some of Robin's old clothes, he checks his phone while pulling out a suit.

Suit steamed, coffee (with a bit of scotch, he wants to justify the headache) chugged, he heads out to work.

His phone pings.

Hey, it's Robin. New number. Brunch?

Brunch. He stands still, on the street, contemplating his next move. Brunch was normal, right? Divorced couples eat brunch together all the time and it's all really cool. Sighing and waving for a cab, he mourns Ranjit's absence, the driver being on vacation. Cabs were so, pedestrian, and Barney is no regular pedestrian. As he slides into the halted cab, his phone chimes again. Robin's sent three penguin emotes. He smirks softly, thinking back to her stuffed date at the museum. Shaking his head lightly in laughter, he texts back an affirmative answer. Fingers moving swiftly, he adds her number into his contact list.

R-train - No work?

B-nasty- nope. See ya there in 20.

He calls in sick to work.

As the rumble of the engine grinds his ears, Barney redoes his tie knot about seven times till he reaches his destination. When the cab driver stops, he hops out and tosses a few bills through the driver's window.

"I'm pretty sure that was a 100." Robin blithely chirps, startling him into an upright position. Barney pffts.

"Eh-" he flicks his wrist in disinterest."- come on, i'm starving."

They walk in, and Barney spots a table and sprints to it. Dragging a chair out for Robin seems awfully date-ish, so he forgoes it, and plops down heavily onto his chair. The sticky plastic menu sits on the table, and he catches Robin staring at it intently, avoiding his face.

"Yo, Scherbats, what's with the no eye contact?" He questions, eyebrow hoisted.

Maybe she's got a new man in her life, and she's dreaming about his abs or something, his inner voice bitterly interjects. He waggles his head, that'd be -. They've been divorced for only a month, Robin's a hottie, it could happen.

Robin blinks, as if just surfacing to reality and gives him a half hearted smile. His stomach sinks a little. She's wearing mascara, he notices the little black marks left above her lashes just near her eyebrows. According to Lily, Robin has not worn any makeup, for say, a month so far.

"Sorry, i'm just, distracted, i guess, so, um, do you wanna order?" She licks her lips, and sits straight, as if steeling herself.

He grunts. "You're pretty quiet for someone who made me play hooky to eat pancakes with you." Folds his arms and gives her a challenging look.

"I thought you said you didn't have work?"

"I lied. Jeez Robin, don't you know me at all?"

Robin sighs, tearing a sugar packet and pouring it onto the table cloth and pushing her finger around. Now for an insensitive man, Barney can be surprisingly perceptive when it comes to Robin. Her habit of fiddling with the nearest object when she's nervous doesn't slip by him. It doesn't now either. His mind all but takes the thought and sprints with it. Maybe she's going to tell him she's pregnant. What? That doesn't even make sense, it wouldn't be his. Maybe that's why she was nervous. Or maybe she killed someone. Wait, what? Why would Robin kill anybody? Was he going nuts-

"So-" she begins, puffing a bit of air out, ruffling her bangs. That draws his attention back to the table, which was rattling intensely now. So he's a leg shaker when he's nervous. Robin halts the table by grabbing onto the sides and glaring at him.

Her jaw's barely open when the annoyingly perky waitress comes over to take their order. He wants to snap at, he squints at her neon pink name tag, Jenny, but she's too nice and perky's a good description because she isn't wearing a bra and Barney like. She reads out the specials, and he stares at her boobs, partly because they're there and partly because he wants to forget that he's sitting across from his ex wife.

"What would the lovely couple like today?" Neon name tag Jenny croons, and both of them cough at the same moment.

"We're um, not a couple." Robin chuckles, handing her the menu. She quickly rattles out the order. Worse than sixteen no's? Probably right up there with it.

"One pancake with extra maple syrup and one-" she glances at him "- whole wheat bagel with low fat cream cheese."

The bubbly feeling comes back up again, fizzing and popping. Robin remembers. But then again, it's only natural right? They were married for three years. And friends for ten years before that.

He needs to stop overreacting over every little thing. Oh god, she's smiling, her lips are moving, say something Barnacle.

"Bagels are good!" He bursts out.

Nice job. He curses inwardly, and sticks a finger in his ear.

Robin stares at him, flummoxed.

"Barney, are you having a stroke?" She questions, concerned, her eyebrows knitting together.

"Nahhh. Pfft. I gotta pee." He announces, practically racing to the bathroom.

Barney's palms are sweaty. It's unsanitary and weird and rare, he thinks, as he uses about three paper towels to get it cleaned. The soap he uses smells like lavender, and his eyes flutter closed, inhaling it. It reminds him of Robin's soothing balm she put on her temples whenever she was stressed from work. He still has two containers of it at home and a pump at work. Not that that means anything. He scrubs his hands clean and lays them on the speckled wet marble of the sink, staring himself in the mirror.

"Get yourself together, Barnacle. You're divorced, and you're going to be-" he hesitates, settling on,"- bros again. Its in the bro code. And you're going to forget about Robin as anything more than a bro because she asked for a divorce because she's more awesome than you."

It's not exactly a pep talk, but it's loud and he says it with anger, and it serves as motivation to put the mask back on. To be Barney Stinson again. There's no way he can reinvent himself again and again every time a scotch drinking, cigar smoking, gun toting, laser tag playing, awesome woman comes and snatches and twists everything in his world upside down. Okay, maybe he was being too specific.

"Sorry, man." Someone suddenly says, patting his back. The man's tall, holy crap really tall, and blonde, and he's got a really long overcoat on.

"Um-" he feels awkward.

The man laughs. "You're weren't exactly talking in your head, eh?"

Barney twists his features in disgust. A canadian, just what he needs right now. The man opens his mouth, maybe to say something else, or introduce himself.

"Hey look bro, i've had friendships start at urinals, but this aint about to be one. Stinson out."

He flashes a peace sign at the confused stranger and exits, limbs heavy. He can hear Robin's heels tapping the floor, in irritation maybe, he doesn't know how long he's been in the bathroom.

"What, were you nailing someone in there?" Robin murmurs, when he sits down. Maybe he only imagines the strain of her voice. His bagel's a little cold now, but he bites a huge chunk out of it, sans cream cheese. Robin quirks an eyebrow.

"Still no carbs, Mr. Diets are for girls but i diet anyway?" She teases, and he grins, and she laughs at a poppy seed stuck between his front teeth. They laugh, and he doesn't forget that she wanted to tell him something, but she does, so they let it go. He complains about work, and she boasts about hers. They make plans for laser tag, and he manages to sneak a bit of scotch into her coffee from his secret flask, and she slaps his arm two minutes later, still sipping the coffee.

"Hey, um-" Robin starts.

She's nursing a second round of coffee, and he's picking apart a piece of his second bagel. It's blindly obvious she wants to say something he might not like. His breath picks up again.

"Are you bringing a date to Lily and Marshall's dinner?"

Okay, that was unexpected.

"Lily wanted me to ask." She clarifies. Barney highly doubts that's the case.

He maybe wants to let her dangle a bit. He leans back casually, and the chair creaks a little.

"Maybe." He says, making a face that was supposed to signify, 'who cares'.Surprisingly enough, Robin looks almost relieved, and she lets a little sigh out.

"Good, okay good." She mutters, softly enough that if he wasn't paying attention, he wouldnt even hear it. It stings a little, that there's no jealousy. Maybe not just a little, but that's up for debate.

But a man's gotta know. "Would it," he gulps," be awkward, if i brought someone?"

"Huh, i guess not. But remember, we've got room for ONE more. So if you're planning to bang twins again, plan it for another day." She chides him, stifling a laugh. He rolls his eyes. Sighs in relief. If Robin thinks he was going to get a bimbo, all was well. He remembers Robin telling him once.

2014

"You know, i know your countless parade of chicks don't mean anything."

She's laying by his side now, lazily stroking for biceps. His arm is curled under her, palm kneading one of her breasts, a classic after sex position. His arm's always a little sore after, but atleast he gets to fondle Amelia and Lacey. Still in a post haze, he hums.

"It just, kinda sucked. But i know they didn't mean anything. That's why it never bothered me."

"That much," gets lost in his skin as she burrows further into his cocoon of warmth. His laugh rumbles through his body and she feels it.

"Come on Scherbatsky, you know i held a torch for you and only you while the other ladies held my torch. WHAT UP!" And if she were anyone else she'd slap him, but she's Robin Stinson-Scherbatsky and she high fives him anyway. His wife is awesome.

2016

They talk for about an hour more, and everything goes smooth. No one brings up dates anymore. The check comes, and while they're doing the check dance it feels an awful lot like a date again, until he surrenders, and she grabs it. Smirks at him, and pulls out her wallet. He doesn't let on that he did it on purpose because he knows how much Robin loves being her own independent woman.

As he's walking out, he feels Robin's figure fall slower and slower in her pace. Barney turns, just in time to see the really tall canadian dude, and hear Robin exclaim, "Dan?" with a soft smile. His throat does a weird closing up thing.

"You two know each other? Boy, canada is a small world." He quips, and Robin slips her coat on, smiling awkwardly at him.

"Bathroom guy!" Canadian dude who now has a name, points at him. Dan. What a lame name. Robin raises a brow in question, but doesnt push to know the story of the nickname.

"Um, Dan and I are sort of- seeing each other." Robin says, brushing her fingers across his wrist. His vision blurs a bit, and the walls feel an awful lot like they're closing in. Fuck.


	5. Same old, same new

A/N:- I re read my first two chapters, and they seem really rushed and poorly written, so please do not judge my sorry by the first chapter, i do have a plot and an ending in mind, i just have a little trouble putting it down! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and please, please leave reviews and don't forget to follow! Constructive criticism is highly welcomed. Enjoy.

* * *

It's not thanksgiving, but Ted continues with his tradition of stuffing a dead bird into another dead bird. The chicchickenken sits on the centre table, glorious and brown. Robin makes a little puking noise as she spies it the first time walking in, and hangs her coat on the hanger near the door.

"You're gonna kill the dinner , Ted, don't kill the dinner." She says, making a face. Her eyes scan the room for any sign of Barney.

"Fine, next time i'll stuff a live bird." Ted jokes, chuckling. Lily rolls her eyes, and waddles over to give Robin the biggest bear hug.

"It's called beastiality, Ted." Barney pipes up, coming from the kitchen to stand near her, beers in hand. His tie is a little askew, and Robin wants to straighten it, reaching out on instinct. Then she takes one look at the consternation on Barney's features, eyes wide and unblinking, and drops her hand faster than you can say zip.

"Old habits." She mumbles, smiling tightly.

His face relaxes, and he nods. They've mutually agreed since the previous night to keep at their brolationship like nothing ever happened, and a few slip ups were allowed every now and then. It's Rule no. 4.

"I find it cute." Tracy says, smiling at Ted and Robin's stomach drops until she realises she's talking to Ted. She settles down on the orange chair and whips out her phone.

"Trace, you're still in the first month of your marriage, 75% of everything you say is a lie. Your man ain't perfect." Robin says, mentally wondering when she started sounding like her ex husband and his fake statistics. Tracy only gives a bubbly giggle, and Ted stares at his wife hotly. Tracy goes still. Robin continues texting.

Ted whispers something in Tracy's ear.

"No honey, i swear i liked that." Tracy says, crossing her finger over her heart.

"How much do you wanna bet that was a weird sex thing?" Barney whispers in her ear, on the stool next to her, his warm breath washing pleasantly over her, her entire face being numb from the cold, brisk air outside.

"20 bucks says it's bland, boring and vanilla. I'll interrogate Tracy later. That woman's as bad as Lily." Robin says, shaking his outstretched hand. She feels something clink against her platinum i bought this because i got a huge ass salary ring, and only then does she notice Barney's wedding ring glint against the overhead light. Her eyebrows raise for a millisecond, and a thousand questions race through her brain at the speed of light. Barney doesn't seem to notice her stunned predicament, and extracts his hand from hers, taking a huge gulp of his beer. She hears Lily yell something from somewhere, god knows where, but all that's present is, he still wears his wedding ring, why does he still wear his wedding ring, what's going on, holy sh-

"ROBIN!"

Lily's tiny, if whale like, appearance registers finally. She has no idea how the woman can still look so petite, despite carrying a baby giant spawn in her stomach.

"Did you bring twister?" Lily asks, annoyed, because it may just be the third time she's asked Robin. Robin's face contorts. "Twister? Lily, honey, we're verging on on 40. Some of us, 45." She says, glancing at Barney at the last part, who blanches, and squeaks out '35'.

"-anyway, you didn't ask me to bring twister." Robin finishes, taking a sip of her beer. Lily glances up to Marshall for support. Marshall only shrugs, and Lily murmurs "damn pregnancy brain" and shuffles of into the kitchen, not adorably at all. Robin feels a little rush of affection for everyone, and she feels a little less nervous for what she's about to say.

"Guys, i hope you don't mind, but I-uh, invited Dan."

Everyone had already known about Dan. Lily was the first to know, getting a phone call a day after Robin had met him. She had gushed about how tall, and how very Canadian he was, and Lily had hmmed and oohed and aahed, internally sympathetic for Barney and what this would do to him.

Marshall was informed by his wife immediately, then later by Robin when they met up to watch the hockey semi finals. Ted and Tracy were told the previous day, and all she said was that she really liked him. Even though Ted's married now, Robin still feels the need to keep the description of her boyfriends PG rated. She later tells Tracy though, that she'd like to spend all day licking his abs.

And Barney, well, Barney found out. That's all. She hadn't planned on telling him at all, maybe to see the shock on his face, to make him hurt the way it hurt her last year at the halloween party. His placid face, and relaxed smile as he shook Dan's hand were hardly close to what she was expecting. To say it disappointed her would be an understatement.

"That's, GREAT!"

"Awesome."

"Ooooh, can i see his abs today?"

"Tracy!"

"Sorry."

Their reactions are as expected, and Robin relaxes, until she feels a vice grip pull her off her chair into the kitchen.

"What are you doing?" Lily says, through a gritted smile.

"I'm drinking beer. God Lily, i know i agreed to the 'no drinking till we have the baby' pact with you but -"

I know you like this guy, but isn't it a little soon to bring him to our group things?" Lily says, in a chiding voice and suddenly Robin notices how Lily's eyes keep drifting away toward the blonde man in the living room trying to conjure up a fireball. She knows he is because the tell is all in the way he rolls his shoulders, bends back and wiggles his fingers just slightly, before his hands erupt into flames. Like the fireball, Robin's vexation sparks and grows towards Lily's postulated question.

"You think i'm bringing him here to make Barney jealous, don't you?" She inquires coldly. Lily goes a little pale and stutters, recovering in only a second.

"No." She says determinedly.

"I'm not, Lil, i swear. I'm trying to-" Robin sighs, losing her anger, and fiddles with the salt holder, pouring some of the grains in her hand. "-i'm trying to move on. Barney and i are doing this stupid bros thing again, and i'm playing along , i mean, it's real, but in the end, the only thing that's going to help me get over him, is someone else."

"Are you saying you're still in love with him?"

"I probably always will be." Robin says, in a resigned tone. She half hopes Lily will tell her that she should go for it again, that Barney recently poured his heart out to Lily and admitted he wants her back.

"You deserve to be able to move on." Lily says quietly, laying a hand on Robin's salt filled one. "-because, i hate to break it to you, Robin ,but, he's doing okay."

Robin knows for a fact he's not a 100% okay, but if Lily claims he's okay, then he must be. "Okay." Her hand clutches around the grains of salt tightly, a vague grinding noise emitted from her palm. Lily lets go of her hand and smiles softly, patting it twice and reaches forward to snatch the salad tongs.

"You mind?" Lily asks, pushing the kitchen equipment towards her. She takes it almost immediately, relieved that Lily chose to not harp on the fact that Robin just admitted her most recent deep emotions. She almost wishes she could pay Lily sometimes for these little therapy sessions they seem to keep having. Well, it's mostly Lily giving her 'the look' and Robin word vomiting all over herself. Word vomiting land was usually and do not enter for one Robin Scherbatsky. But she seemed to be doing alot of it these days.

Tossing the salad keeps her occupied for approximately seven minutes, and by then the salad is pretty tossed; anymore, and she'd toss it all the way to the Great White North. Barney and Marshall are on the couch, fiddling with the xbox controllers. "Whatcha guys doing?" Robin questions, in an effort to stay nonchalant. Barney's tongue is sticking out as he swerves to the side.

"Mario kart." Marshall says, tossing the controller in defeat.

"Barnacle for the WIN!" Barney bellows, shoving his fist up in the air and hooting. "This, is proof of a real man, Marshall Erikson, only a true, warm blooded, MAN, can win at -"

"A game my four year old niece took first place for at the little league for video game championships?" Marshall offers. Tracy slaps his outstretched palm.

"Lawyered!" Tracy yells.

"That's not how you use the term, sweetie. Actually, the term lawyered refers to when you try to justify a certain-" Ted starts, just as the oven timer dings, and Robin swears Lily's never been so relieved that a pie was done baking.

The doorbell rings when Barney's in the bathroom, and Robin opens it with some excitement now. Dan stands in the doorway, with a dopey grin on his face, and a cling wrapped bowl of yams. Robin's heart flutters a little, and she feels a jolt of something she hasn't felt in a really really long time.

"Hey! I brought yams!" He cheerfully says, raising the bowl up. She pulls him in by the wrist and takes the bowl from him.

"Everyone, this is Daniel. He's canadian AND he plays football." Robin says, rubbing his arm. "The rough kind." She adds dreamily. Dan looks a little confused, and she realises soon she'll have to explain her turn on. Thank god she never had to explain it to Kevin, who would have analysed it to a point where he'd figure she needed to be in a straight jacket.

"Dan, this is Tracy, Ted, Lily, Marshall, and, Barney's somewhere around, but you already know him." Robin says.

"When did you meet Barney?" Marshall asks Dan, his large eyebrows furrowing. Robin's heart thuds. She didn't tell anyone about Barney and her little secret brunch meeting she had, to see if he was okay with Dan.

"Oh, Robin and I ran into him at the Pop-over Pantry." Dan says nonchalantly, and Robin puffs a breath out in solace.

"Let's eat some ChicChicKenKen and get to know more about Dan!" Ted says, clapping his hands and hopping off the couch. The others follow suit as Dan, mouths, "ChicChicKenKen?" to Robin.

"It's a chicken stuffed in another chicken. Just smile and pretend to chew, then throw it into the big vase at the side." Robin whispers back to him, guiding them both to the table. Barney walks out of the bathroom, whistling, all cheers, until he sees Dan.

"Oh HEYYYYY Canadian dude! What's shaking?" Barney says, in a feigned nonchalance that Robin sees right through. His nostrils are flaring and his forehead has three lines, and he only looks like that when he's concentrating very hard or he's jealous. Before she has time to analyse it however, the look is replaced with a grin. He opens his mouth, no doubt to start with some Canadian mockery.

Robin's grateful when Lily intervenes.

"Barney, give him a break, we just met him!"

"But I can start from scratch!" Barney whines.

"Barney." Tracy says.

"Come on Lady Mosby, you love my jokes!" Barney says.

"True, but Lily's right." Tracy chides. Barney settles down with a pout and Robin wishes she could sic the two women on him every time he got out of hand. She could hire and pay them by the hour, if she needed to. But, she didn't anymore.

"Well, sore-y Dan, you don't get to see this display of magnificent humour today." Barney grumbles, but doesn't miss over pronouncing the 'sorry' while saying it.

Everything settles into quiet for a while, as everyone digs into Lily's backup shepherds pie that Ted is extremely miffed about. ("I can't believe you had no faith in my ChicChicKenKen." He whines.) Robin's impressed at how well Dan charms every single one of them. They're all half in love with him by the end of the night. Well, all of them except Barney, who can't resist a dig at him here and there. But it's not entirely unexpected, and Dan is a gentleman, only laughing politely at his digs.

When he's at the door, he kisses her and it leaves her with a giddy smile on her face.

"Hey, you owe me one for having to put up with your ex husband all night." He says, light heartedly. Robin had felt no need to lie about Barney, and he'd completely understood her angle to still be friends with him.

"Sorry, one can only take Barney in small doses." She jokes. He kisses her one last time and heads out the door.

She sighs and turns.

"So?" Robin says expectantly, to everyone.

"Love him!" They all coo in unison, even Barney, but his seems a little forced, and Lily's pinching him, so there's that.

"Well, Cana-duh! He's only awesome!" She croons, and her smile only falters a little as she watches Barney's face fall. Awesome is a pristine and precious word in his thesaurus. She wants to back pedal, but because she needs to stop factoring Barney into every decision she makes, she doesn't.

"I'm going up for a smoke." Barney announces a few minutes later, and clambers out the window.

Both Marshall and Tracy give her meaningful looks, and she rolls her eyes.

"He's fine!" Robin protests.

"It must've been a little tough for him." Ted offers. "I know i felt that way after we first broke up."

Robin climbs up the fire escape, grumbling.

Her anger dissipates once more when she catches sight of Barney, blowing smoke rings with a coup de grace only he can manage. In moments like this, she likes (liked) to memorize the way he focuses on it. The way his nose scrunches up and his lips curve over his rolled tongue.

"Hey." She says, her greeting forming a mist in the air.

"He's a nice guy." Barney murmurs, smoke wafting from his mouth.

"Is that why you gave him such a hard time?" She says, cocking an eyebrow, challenging him to say something he shouldn't.

"Yeah." Is all Barney manages, shoving his hands into his pockets. "A bro's gotta look out for his fellow bro. If he can take the Barnacle's prodding, he's fit to date you."

Robin grins, feeling a friendly warmth of affection, different from the heady heat she usually feels around him. She tells herself that it's hopefully her heart turning him into a friend.

"Thank you." She says, pulling a smoke from the pack in his hand.

"For you Scherbatsky, anytime." He says. "Anyway, it wouldn't be fair to Jamie if i acted like a jealous idiot upon meeting my ex wife's new boyfriend."

"Jamie?" Robin curiously questions. Barney hesitates a little, as if deciding whether to say more or not.

"I met someone."

"Good for you."

She already hates this Jamie for some absurd reason. Robin closes her eyes tight and tries to relive the feel of Dan's lips on hers, and the coil of jealousy dissolves a little enough for her to crack a small smile. He deserves to move on, she repeats as a mantra.


	6. Aldrin, the Meddler

"You lied!?" Lily's muffled screech came through the speaker, crackling in Barney's ear as he flinched away from it.

Barney Stinson is a liar. It's an established fact. Everyone knows it. So it doesn't matter. He lies, cons, bamboozles, misdirects, to get his way; to shelter himself from being wounded. He lies to take girls to bed. So, it doesn't bother him. Except it does. He's never lied to make a girl jealous. He doesn't have to tell them there are two other girls fighting over him like a piece of meat, it's always true. He's never had to. Then again, Robin's always been the beginning of everything.

"Well. Yeah." Barney manages to get out through Lily's manic babbling.

"You're in sooooo much crap now, man." Marshall butts in, and only then does it occur that he's on speakerphone. Annoyed at the invasion of privacy (nothing new) he disconnects in disgust. It's not that he wouldn't like to tell Marshall all this, but for now, he wants to confide in Lily. Sue him, if it means he wants his information transferred to others by him. Seconds later, he receives a text from Lily.

We're sorry.

Of course, they're sorry. Classic glob couple. Barney just shakes his head and tosses the phone aside, narrowly missing hitting the vase.

The doorbell rings.

"I hate doorbells. Such an invasion of human privacy. Can't even sulk in my own home." He mutters under his breath, crossing the room to open the door. Things only take a turn for the worse though, when the person on the other side turns out to be his glorified ex wife. Robin smiles perkily and slides past him without question, her Chanel perfume dragging him right behind her.

"Say you're my bitch!" Robin exclaims excitedly. Barney contorts his face.

"No."

"Come on."

He sighs. Slams the door in resignation. Doesn't he always do what she says now?

"Okay. I'm- I'm your bitch."

Robins hums happily. "I got us, tickets to- drumroll please-" she pauses, and gives Barney a withering look.

He mimics a drumming sound with his mouth. God, he's so whipped.

"-Robots vs Wrestlers, Grandpa edition!"

He tries to hide his excitement, but it truly has been a while since he's spent any time with the whole group doing something that isn't drinking and wedding planning, and frankly, he doesn't give a shit about the wide grin etched on his face.

"Shut up!" He gleefully says, sounding much like a twelve year old girl, but it's Robots vs Wrestlers so who cares.

"Yuh huh, Stinson, you, me, Jamie and Danny, frrrrront row seats, baby!" Robin purrs, shimmying and waving the tickets in front on his face like some kind of precious gold only she possesses. It's only then that it registers that he doesn't have a Jamie and he's about to look like the biggest idiot there is.

Barney scratches the back of his head , striding toward the kitchen, swiping a clean glass off of the counter, before he pours a neat glass of Scotch. It would seem out of the ordinary to anyone else, his aching need to drink right now, and why it trumps human conversation, but Robin, being exceptionally her, as always, simply snorts, doesn't question him, instead asks if he's ever heard of ice.

"Ice is for weaklings." He retorts.

"And non-alcoholics." Robin fires back, arms crossed. Plopping herself on his couch, she fans through a Vogue magazine. He doesn't read them, whatever, it's to entertain chicks before moving in for the kill.

"So, you in?" She asks.

Barney's heart thumps a little harder, as he takes another swig. He can't even stop the words as he thinks them.

"Is the sky blue?" He says.

Stupid.

Robin smiles widely, all teeth and red lipstick and he clutches his glass a little harder.

"I kinda thought you'd say no." She says, a little jerky laugh accompanying it.

"Why?"

"Dude. Come on. Our first dates as a divorced non couple? I know how chicken you actually are."

Barney rolls his eyes at that, advancing toward the couch, feeling sure enough that he's not going to spontaneously combust of sheer embarrassment yet.

"Why'd you ask then?"

Robin shrugs at that, but he knows, everyone does, that the shrug is code for, 'i've thought about this alot but you should never know that'.

"I miss my best bro. Somewhere along the line, I managed to lose a husband. I don't wanna lose a bro too." She says, chin jutting. She's trying to be casual, he notes, vaguely only, because his ears are closing and his mouth his dry and all he wants to do is kiss her.

He leans forward.

Robin's eyes go wide like saucers, making him completely rethink his move, so he suavely reaches behind her, toward the table, and picks up the magazine, feeling her breathing as he relaxes back. Just then, the doorbell rings again, followed by erratically loud knocking.

"That's probably Jamie." Robin says, and he misses the melancholic note in her voice as he gets up to answer the door. It turns out to be a jumpy Lily, with Marvin in tow.

"Hey! Oh Robin, you're here too!" She exclaims, too loud, and he knows something is definitely up. "You said, you had a meeting." She sounds a little deflated now.

Robin notices. "I did. I just came to drop these tickets for Jamie and Barney." She says. "And then I was going to drop by to see this little man." She adds, wiggling her fingers at Marvin, even though she wasn't.

Lily seems satisfied at that, until she catches the rest of Robin's sentence, perking up an eyebrow immediately, in Barney's direction.

"What, uh, what tickets?" Lily asks, trying to be nonchalant as she shifts Marvin in her arms.

"Who wants a drink?" Barney practically yells, fearing Lily's wrath once she knew.

Robin stares at him for a second, then-

"Whiskey, two ice cubes."

He practically sighs in relief, until Robin turns to Lily again.

"I got Danny, Jamie, Barney and I these amazing seats to Wrestlers vs Robots." She says.

Lily's withering look doesn't faze him right then, mainly because he's been feeling like his balls have been cut off lately and he's had enough of this un-machoness.

"Anyway, I have a great story on Somalia's drought and I'm going to pitch it to Sandy today, so I'm gonna take off. Bye Marv!" Robin coos, waving to the three.

As soon as the door clicks shut, Barney feels a punch in his side.

"Ow!" He yelps, nursing his stomach tenderly.

"You know you can't keep this going for too long, right? It's going to blow up in your face so frickin hard." Lily says, through gritted teeth.

"It's like you don't even know me Lil, I'm a master of the possimpible!" Barney proudly exclaims, shaking his fist in the air.

"Cut the crap, Barn."

He lowers his fist slowly, grin still in place.

"Fine. I'll tell her I broke up with her or something."

"Why'd you do it though?" Lily asks, eyes shining curiously. Marvin gurgles.

Barney scratches his arm. "I like deceiving people. It's fun." He shrugs.

Lily flashes him a look of pity, one he absolutely hates. "Barney."

"What?" He's a little ticked now. "Just because Robin's my ex-wife, it has to mean something?"

Lily seems to sense the walls being put up, and she backs off, hands in the air. "Fine. I get it."

Maybe it doesn't have to mean anything, he thinks. Except, he came up with a fake girlfriend. Crap. Maybe it does mean something.

"Also. The 'Barnacle'? I thought we were done with that whole thing." Lily says, scrunching her nose up in disdain.

"How did -"

"Robin told me. She notices things, you know. Still."

"It's a pretty cool nickname." He says, bleakly, charisma all washed away.

"Whateverrrrr helps you sleep, honey." Lily jokes, patting his arm gently. "Now seriously, i'm not going to prod, but sort your feelings out."

Barney stares in mild amazement.

"You really mean that, don't you?" He asks, wonder in his voice. Lily Aldrin, messer, out of the game.

"Yup! I've grown." She proudly replies, face turned upward in a grin. "Anyway, you, get it sorted. Bye, honey."

Get it sorted.


End file.
